This year started as a continuation of the last. Not in the same “I’m done let me sleep” feeling as I exited the school doors, but the same personal expectation of high-standard, meaningful work that guided some incredible accomplishment and discovery. In my TPOL last year I had said that the learning I completed in grade ten would “change the path of my next year, and the year after that”. I thought that the work I put in last year would make this year easier or at least make going above and beyond easier. I went into the year with a wrong expectation. I was able to keep up my ideal grades, but I struggled to find a sense of flow and confidence in my work that I had felt last year.
It was a similar feeling that I had felt in my grade nine summer when I had worked to push as hard as I could every day when I was training for basketball. Although, as I mentioned in my last MPOL, it lead me down the wrong path, and away from my goals. I remember noting that it felt easier to fail knowing I worked my hardest even if it wasn’t in the right direction than to make training enjoyable. As the year went on I realized how much was wrong with this belief. Just the fact that it was based in fear meant it was choice made by the “ego”, but also the fact that I saw it as one or the other was another barrier that was no based in reality. I have learned this year that I can do both. Things can seem easier and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to allow me to achieve very difficult goals.
At the start of the year I constructed a standard for how I am going to live and schedule my days but it felt like every day I failed to uphold that standard. I had an idea or a thought of what my days would look like, what success looked like, but what I soon realized is that when there is no strong purpose behind sticking to a schedule and sacrificing time for the betterment of the future, external fears begin to push the ideas or thoughts of success away. It is really hard to drop everything and go to bed when it feels like there is so much more work to be done. But what ended up getting in my way more than the lack of “staying on schedule” was what happened after I didn’t hold up to my expectations.
I have learned that to not fall into the spiral of procrastinating, then feeling bad about procrastinating, I have to push past the mentally constructed ideal of “procrastination” and start fresh. My mom used to tell me that procrastination feels the same as doing work because you are still thinking about it, and when my standards are unrealistic, it feels like I am always procrastinating making it feel like a lot more work. I have to remember that I can only do what I can do at the moment, and having such unrealistic expectations for the work that I think I can do, will and has only led me down a path of procrastination and burnout. I also don’t think it means thinking solemnly about what choice will bring the most meaning either. When work gets overwhelming, I need to sit, take a moment, and approach first thing first as I learned last year. I recently have been able to do this. Even when things got really difficult at the end of this semester, I just worked, because that’s all I could do. I realized that as obvious as it seems, sometimes the best way to deal with work is to do work, even if you are behind. I can’t back down when I experience a F.A.I.L. or when I wake up to the fact that my goal is really difficult, because that only gives power to the part of me that sends me into the common state of procrastination that holds me back.
Even though I have a bit more clarity when it comes to the struggles I have been facing this year, I also know that understanding takes reinforcement and implementation in my everyday life to turn into something that will truly impact me. My original Learning plan laid out a lucid plan of what I would need to do to reach my goal of bringing my real-world understanding to an audience. For the remainder of the year, I would like to try some new approaches to my learning goal. To achieve my learning goal of a very high flex, I will need to take advantage of each learning opportunity but not feel guilty that I haven’t done my work to the fullest. This is a major factor that has sent me into the loop of procrastination and overall making my work a lot more difficult than it needs to be. I want to feel excitement for learning and I know that excitement is what will eliminate the guilt and further illuminate a deeper connection and understanding of my work. My goal for the end of the year is to leave school feeling grateful for the growth I’ve had. I am someone who has a lot of interests, and my work reflects that, but in order to make work that is authentic, and shows an understanding that really is impactful, I have to support hose interests as well. I have to acknowledge that excitement brings passion, which brings an openness to new ideas that transcend the barriers of the assignment and change my perspective on the world. From there, I believe my reflections will become more concise and I will feel more confident in my work. I have to acknowledge that gratitude can be very scary when it feels there is so much to be afraid of, but as James Clear said: “joy is your greatest resistance”
I can’t help but relate back to the thoughts I would have going into grade ten about working hard. It is the same with schoolwork, and sometimes it is easier to give it your all than to risk falling short of your goal by following your heart. I want to achieve impact this year, and with these systems, I think I can trust that my hard work will be guiding me in the right direction.
Hey Ryder,
It’s cool that you value being attentive to personal experience in relation to expectations, learning and creating goals. I imagine that you recognize the benefit of this introspection and mindfulness, even in the midst of many environmental and other concerns within the world today which, like the force of gravity, often tend to attract one’s attention in the outward direction of what needs to be done.
So, I’d say that this interest for gaining insight is an admirable quality that you have. And, I think, too, insight is essential for both creating effective responses to whatever challenges present and achieving positive impact, as you mentioned.
As I understand, goals are, in some respect, future oriented and entail a sense of becoming. And, yet, we are also living in the present, just being. And it is here, in the domain of today, where the conditions of our thoughts and emotions, as well as our perspectives, attitudes and motivations, are forming and informing a direction towards attaining our goals. What do you think? So, it certainly is sensible to consider at times what is truly important and meaningful, and what motivates our goals, as you are wisely doing.
Another thought connected to learning and goals is, maybe, let’s call it the ‘horizon’ factor. I hear in your post that you are wrestling with finding a good balance between enjoying the day in a sort of carefree sense while also thinking about how much time needs to be directed towards schoolwork and goals (I know you think about ecological balance too).
And, I hear that part of discovering balance is also confronting at times this emotional pressure and, perhaps, urgency to respond to the many issues and changes now happening across the planet during this third decade of the 21st Century (and for sure you’re not alone in this). So, back to the point about the horizon.
Have you considered sometimes looking at goals and learning from more like the 30,000-foot view? In this regard, just as the landscape can be seeing in a broader way by looking through this high-altitude lens, so, the space perceived and available for goals and learning can also be included within a greater future horizon that still doesn’t negate the immediacy and importance of this or next year. What do you think?
I recognize that some goals and expectations are much more time bound and currently relevant than others, like team basketball or completing a particular project would be. Though, learning and acting to make an impact also can extend out through time, as a sort of creative process that is continuously unfolding and evolving.
So, this is my two cents… if this makes sense! To keep remembering that deep breath if/when it seems a bit overwhelming and consider whether accomplishment is mostly confined to this year – or by graduation? I think it’s sort of more like a marathon than a sprint. Like gazing upon the ocean’s horizon from the shore… or into the star-filled sky, there’s a lot of room out there to continue learning… so very many years ahead to keep asking the questions and living the questions!
Well, just want to say, too, that it’s great that you have high expectations and have dedicated so much effort and purpose towards learning and meeting different goals. This is commendable, you know? I’m confident that you’d agree, it’s not always an easy breezy path to learn and to form new understandings and succeed. Yet, no doubt, it’s still so worth it as we all ride the wave! So, well done and, as it’s also said, good on ya mate : )