Who am I going to be? Recently, we went on a journey in Humanities to attempt to find an answer to that question – or, at least, to reflect on it, and reflect on ourselves. 

Now, I’m going to be so honest with you, faithful blog readers: I don’t really know who I am going to be, nor who I want to be. After a whole project full of questions, and answers, and books, and activities? I still don’t really know. But I am going to try to answer.

As we dove into this project, I wasn’t that excited. We had to read a book, and though I am not a super slow reader, I am also not a super speedy reader. But, as soon as I picked up my chosen book, it was love at first sight. “Between Two Kingdoms,” by Suleika Jaouad, caught my eye. It was a book all about her experience with cancer, and her experience afterwards, as a cancer survivor. If you want to know more, click here to read my notes and reflections. As I read this book, and enjoyed every step of it. I got to see the world through Suleikas lense, learning the lessons that she had learned from experience. Some key takeaways I got from this were that change is a part of life, and though it might take time, you have to learn to accept the changes. I also learned that you are not always as isolated as you feel. While it may feel like it, there are still people on your side. I learned not to let that feeling of isolation push you away from the people around you. I feel as though this is something that really resonates with me. Constantly, I feel so alone, and I let that give me a reason to distance myself further from the people around me. If I truly look around, I can really see that, actually, many people are on my side. So really, if I’m trying to answer the question of “who am I going to be?” My goal is to be someone who notices the people around me, and who accepts change and challenges as a part of my life.

Another thing that we did in this project that guided me was our gratitude exercises. Each day in class, we each got a sticky note and wrote down one thing we were grateful for. Every single day, I sat down in the morning, and thought until I had the perfect thing to be grateful for. Every time, after writing it on that sticky note and putting it on the wall with everyone else’s, I walked away feeling fulfilled and happier. I remember, on the final morning, I wrote, “I am grateful for the sky and the sun and the trees and the mountains and the oceans and the lakes.” This is something that at the beginning of all of this, I never would’ve written down. But I really am grateful for the sky and the sun and the trees and the mountains and the oceans and the lakes! Throughout all of these sticky note moments, I could close my eyes and see what I was grateful for. I was able to relive scenarios I loved, or imagine ones that have the potential to flourish in my future. When I closed my eyes, I was able to see everything I loved, everything I live for, the things that define my happiness. Who am I going to be? I am going to be grateful, to live my life to the fullest. I am going to take a deep breath and love how it feels in my lungs. I am going to see the world with open eyes and an open heart, taking in every single bit of it with so much love.

Finally, we got the opportunity to conduct our interviews. I decided I wanted to interview one of the coaches from the gym that I do my gymnastics at. She is truly an inspiration to me. Through my interview, I asked a series of questions. Here were all the questions I asked:

– “How do you push through challenges and hardships in your life and in your career?”

– “What gets you out of bed every morning?”

– “Who or what inspires you to be better?”

– “Tell me about a situation where you had to lead through change and uncertainty in your career.”

– “How do you contribute to creating a positive environment?”

– “How do you deal with stress, and what coping mechanisms do you find effective?”

At first, I didn’t have much hope for the interview. I didn’t think I would learn as much from it as I was learning from the book, nor as much as I would later on learn from the gratitude notes. After having the interview, though, I realized I was wrong. Though I still think I ended up learning more from reflecting on the other things, I still think I did learn from my interview. Everything that my interviewee had to say had to do with keeping a positive mindset. She also frequently brought up accepting challenges and overcoming them instead of giving up, prioritizing herself, and surrounding herself with people that are good for her. I feel as though these are always important things to think about in life. Since my interview, I have started to make an effort to maintain relationships with those that I love, and slowly distancing myself from people who have a negative impact on me. I also have been trying to prioritize myself and my mental health, giving myself some more rest, and forgiving myself when I don’t perform as well as I wanted to, especially when it’s due to being tired. Who am I going to be? I am going to prioritize myself. I am going to be someone that people want to have in their lives, because I make a positive impact on them. I am going to stay as positive as possible, and I am going to accept and overcome any challenges I face. I am not going to give up. I am going to work hard, and I am going to be good to myself.

Throughout this whole project, I was thinking. I was reflecting on every experience I have had, and every experience I might have in the future. “Who am I going to be? What am I going to do, what am I going to see, and in this moments, who am I going to be?” I would repeat these questions over and over, wondering. In fact, these are questions I regularly ask myself. Normally, I will think more on the negative side. “You cannot and will not change. You will not improve. You will never be someone who is happy with where she is at. You will never be a hard worker. You will always be someone who gives up.” Usually, when I ask questions like that, I give myself answers like that. Throughout this project, though, I have been reflecting on who I really am, who is really hidden under the rough surface. For me, at least, it’s not, “who am I going to be? How will I change to fulfill that?” It’s, “what’s hidden underneath, and how can I help it flourish?” Because I can and I do work hard. In my gymnastics, for example, I have persevered through mental blocks and weaknesses for years and years and not once has giving up and quitting even crossed my mind.  So the real question is, how can I make this show in other aspects of my life? How can I redirect some of this dedication so that I can be more successful in other areas, therefore helping me be happier? And I think I’ve already found that answer.

Going back to the start of the school year, I started art as an elective. I had a horrible mindset going into it. I have just never been an artistic person. When we were little kids, I never did art. It was my little sister who was always painting, always making something new. At first, in art, I would get frustrated when things didn’t turn out how I wanted them.  I didn’t realize that it actually is not “practice makes perfect.” It’s “dedication and hard work makes progress.” And after winter break, after realizing this, I applied it. I was doing a painting project for art. I dedicated so much time and so much energy into that painting. I asked questions, and I got opinions from other people. I learned new things and I tried to apply every correction that someone suggested. And what I realized was, even though I was dedicating more energy, more time, and more effort, I left the class every day feeling more fulfilled and less tired than I ever did before I actually tried. I began to truly enjoy what I was doing.

Anyways, going back to all other aspects of my life, I think that the answer is that I need to find the little things within what I’m doing, and I need to focus on them. And as time goes on, I will start to enjoy more of the bigger parts, and I will start to treat everything with more care. I will be able to redirect all that hard work, all that care and dedication, into other parts of my life, like school. And as I start to feel better about those things, I will start be a happier person.

So I guess, even though I went into this saying I didn’t really know, I kind of answered the question of “who am I going to be?” in this post. I even came up with a bit of a pathway of how I might be able to get there.

I’m going to be someone that people are drawn to for her happiness and warmth. Like a bowl of soup.

With that, I’m going to bring this blog post to a close. Thank you all for reading. I hope you can step away from this post having learned at least a few of the things that I shared.

With love,

Susan